On family

What is a family? The old adage, “You can choose your friends but not your family,” is not entirely accurate in my opinion. To me, we all have multiple families. The obvious is the immediate biological family: parents. If we assume natural birth parents, I’d agree, we cannot consciously choose these. Add to these, extended family members, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents; none of these are chosen either. These are just a group of people who are in your life, for good or bad. Probably, to some extent, helped raise you, imparting knowledge and guidance as you were growing up.

However, there are other families. Work colleagues, people who are in the same team, or office. You likely interact on a daily basis with these people, either in person, or virtually. As the majority of people work at least 8 hours per day, it’s likely you’re in the company of colleagues more than traditional family members. Over time, you form a bond with these people. The more stressful the work, the closer the bond.

This is especially true for first responder teams or military units. If you’ve served, you’ll know how close you get to other members in your unit. The majority of that is intentional. The goal of basic training is to break every one down, with a common dislike for the drill instructors. Over a few weeks, you all come to realize you can help each other through it. As you deploy and see action, those common experiences; being away from home, being under fire, living with chronic stress for prolonged periods, help bring you all closer.

Another group that acts as family is close friends. I believe most people only have a small number of true close friends. These are people who will help you out of situations, remember your birthday, your children's names and ages, and may not be in constant contact with you, but are always there. They always ask after you and yours, not through some polite societal reflex, but out of genuine interest and concern. When you see each other, after any time in any setting, you can continue old conversations and discuss shared memories without pretense.

The last family is probably the most obvious; your spouse, partner, loved one, and any children or pets you have with them. This family group is more considered, and likely planned, than any other group. These are the people who are guaranteed to see you at your best, and your worst. They are the people you always come home to, are around the most, other than work colleagues, and are likely as close to ‘best friends’ as possible. Granted, you don’t choose your children, unless you adopt. But as a parent you play a role in their upbringing. Consciously or not, they get molded from your image.

Which of these is the most important? That’s a very personal question, the answer of which will reflect the types of relationships you have with each family group. If you’re fortunate enough to have supportive parents and no childhood trauma, all groups are probably equally important. However, if the relationship with your immediate family is bad or broken, then it’s likely you would see friends or colleagues as more important. If you have a family of your own, I’d wager these are going to be the most important to you.

What is true, regardless of upbringing or family groups, is that they all serve some purpose and need. The relationships and outcomes from work families are never going to be the same as the relationships with spouses and children. That’s good. What you don’t, or can’t, get from your family, you can get from colleagues. What all of these relationships highlight, is an underlying need for everyone to feel like they belong within a community. Community has become something of a cliché, but there’s little argument that being in a group of like minded people is better for us than being alone.

You may not agree with these statements, but family is important, giving you a sense of worth and friendship. We all have several, and whether it is known or not, they all help each other get through life. Without familial relationships, we would be alone, with few people to turn to. Some family relationships are transient; if you leave one job for another, you may lose touch with former colleagues. But, at the time, that family was there for you and helped. Others are long term, resulting in shared lives. I hope you are fortunate enough to have come from a loving, supportive family. However, I’m not naïve enough to realize that is rare. So instead, I’ll end with a hope that you have found a family, or families, who are there for you and give you a sense of belonging.