On Stage

In your lifetime you meet and interact with hundreds, possibly thousands, of people. Starting with school, you grow up and evolve, with a collection of other children. Some of these will be friends, most will be acquaintances. As you progress through school, and into adulthood, you may go to a college or university, and meet many more people. As you start in a workplace, you work closely with people. If you work within a team of people, you generally get close to others on the team. Over time, you’re able to read peoples’ moods and you get a sense of who the people you're working with are. But do you?

Other than extremely close friends and relations, do you really, truly, know anyone? I believe everyone has some façade that they present to the world. Some people would refer to this as ‘a front’ or a ‘game face’, but I think it’s extremely common for people to tailor, or mold, their behavior to their situations. Let me explain.

I’m not referring to people where this is part of their profession; actors, escorts, and first responders or military personnel. Actors are especially interesting as they are so exposed to the public. Everyone likely has a favorite actor or actress. Your impression of them is solely based on the types of movies and characters they play, along with smatterings of information gleaned from interviews. For the majority of them, this public exposure likely isn’t how they are in private. The late Robin Williams is a great example of this. On the face of his movies, he seemed like a boisterous, happy, person. The reality was tragically different. Lonely, with deep emotional issues that resulted in a life of binging and trying to help as many people escape their own pain, whilst ignoring his own. Jim Carry, and likely many other comedians, are very similar. Bruce Willis plays famously tough guys. But in real life, he is painfully shy and grew up with a stutter. Maybe all actors are looking for an escape from their lives and are lucky enough to be able to become other people and create temporary realities that, could be, very divorced from their own.

Similarly escorts, and frankly, most people in the Services or Hospitality industries, put on a front to please clients. Receptionists, Maȋtre d’s, and wait staff, are required to give a jovial professional face to their company, hotel, or restaurant. Even if they are having their worst day, they are still expected to smile and be polite to all customers. Escorts are an obvious extreme example, but in some regards, similar. They cater, pander, to clients' whims with a level of acting and pretense. I’d be very surprised if any ever let clients see the real them. This must be, in some respects, something of a defense mechanism and a way of separating themselves from a working life and their private life.

Likewise, first responders, and military personnel, don’t want to take their work home with them. This is where I first heard the term ‘game face’. You suit up, put your game face on, give them hell and deal with it later as you decompress. Unlike civilian teams, small military units get incredibly close. This is due to the fact that military training is designed to foster this close bond, to ensure the whole team works as one. But it’s also a function of the high-stress situations the team is in. There is no better team building than high stress, high tension situations. Much like with escorts, when you’re deployed, you’re in a different head space. You’re not Bob running to the shops for milk, you’re Davenport 25184402 and you will do what’s needed to complete your mission and protect your team. Issues arise when, after deployment, you’re unable to transition back to Bob. I will write later posts about stress, and PTSD. Both touchy subjects, but ones I feel need exploring.

Whilst many people don’t join the military or know actors, I think that everyone, to some extent, has their own version of a game face. I know I do. How I present myself at work is very different from how I am outside of work. I don’t just mean I’m more professional and watch my language in the office; some would argue that I don’t do that at all! I mean my character, and to some extent, my personality changes. I have gone through several instances of personality tests in the work environment. Most of the time within a group of people. It’s always surprising to learn more about the people you work with. Barry, who always seems outspoken, is actually an introvert and likely incredibly shy outside the office. Florence, who rarely disagrees, is actually scared of change and sees a lack of consistency as a huge stressor. Having these little insights into colleagues is hugely beneficial. It enables you to tailor your behavior to make them more comfortable, and therefore, more likely to be happier and work better. The majority of my job is discussing complex problems, working to find solutions, and then helping teams action those solutions. In order to do that effectively and properly, I've had to learn to be comfortable standing up in front of people and working with teams to find compromises and delegate activities, when maybe people don't want to do the tasks.

Even outside of the work environment people rarely show their true selves. The adage “everyone is a stranger until you meet them” is very true. Other than close friends and spouses, I think it’s very unlikely you really know someone. Their fears, their interests, turn-ons and motivators. I’m not sure this is human instinct or natural human behavior, I think it’s a product of the modern world. People are increasingly losing touch with reality and presenting themselves more in virtual environments. What gets posted to social media is likely a carefully curated version of an event, instead of the more accurate reality.

What can be done to rectify this, and does it need to be? I think the solution is simple: talk. Have a real conversation, don’t talk about the weather, or the traffic, but ask real questions. Learn where people are from, what they find interesting and ask them what their ideal holiday would be like. These three questions alone can tell you so much more than a 280-character post. I’m going to delve into the art of conversation at a later date, but I truly believe this is a way of getting to know people well enough to be able to peek behind their façades.

For most people, allowing someone to know the ‘real them’ feels too personal, an invasion, and not something that anyone should be able to see. But part of helping people open up is to start a dialog and have an open conversation with more than superficial niceties. Is it important? Should we be able to see the real you, the real me? Not everyone no, I don’t think people should start parading around wearing sandwich boards listing their darkest secrets. But I don’t think there is harm is getting to the point with a person when you allow yourself to be more open. It’s more healthy and promotes better relationships and better working conditions.

Should everyone divulge their secrets, reveal their ticks and habits? Of course not. But if you’re in an environment where you are comfortable to more openly present yourself, it would be a more relaxed environment. I personally prefer being with a group of people where I can feel more relaxed and not have to keep a guard up. It’s less stressful, less draining and allows you to focus on more important matters.